Mar 3, 2011

JURASSIC PARK OH MY GOD

This is going to be the third dinosaur comic that I have done in a row. Also, this post is NOT A COMIC. I would say that it's because I was trying new things, but that would be a lie because it's really that I just got a new computer today and haven't hooked up my scanner yet. This is not because I was negligent and wasting my time downloading the Dead Zone, but because a horde of zombies almost devoured everyone on my wing and I was the only one equipped to fight them off. So I was pretty busy this afternoon.

Anyways, back to dinosaurs. Today, when I got home from Vertebrate Evolution (aka dinosaur class), I was so excited that I downloaded all three Jurassic Park movies and watched them because dinosaurs are awesome. Back when I first saw those movies, I was all like "Yeah, big lizards, very nice, OH MY GOD JEFF GOLDBLUM'S EXPOSED MAN CHEST" I thought I understood how awesome it was. But no. I knew nothing.
Here is Jeff Goldblum's chest for those who haven't witnessed its sweaty majesty.
After taking Vertebrate Evolution, I watch that part where they see dinosaurs and I start screaming and crying because I am so filled with joy at seeing a real life (animatronic) MOTHERFUCKING DINOSAUR. But don't they see dinosaurs for every part of the film, asks a nonexistent annoying reader? YES. THE SCREAMING NEVER ENDS. My neighbor definitely knows I am insane now due to how much screaming has been happening. There may have been a shadow of a doubt before: someone could have just been stabbing me repeatedly, or showing me obscene images of car wrecks and "Gimps Gone Wild." But there is only so much time in which someone who is being stabbed can scream before they run out of blood and are dead, or someone who is being shown gimp porn becomes desensitized to the point of silence. The only reason someone would scream for such an indefinite amount of time is either because they are composing an album made entirely of screams or they have
gone HP Lovecraft-level insane.
HBRECKSFRDEC DINOSAURS DINOSAAAAURS
I never really thought giant monsters were scary. Even when Cloverfield came out, I was just like "NEAT" and that was that. But then I rewatched that scene where the T-Rex is chasing Jeff Goldblum's Jeep, and it suddenly occurred to me that that situation would actually be terrifying. I always thought terror was when you hide in your closet, but then the creepy Japanese-style undead monster is actually in there with you AND ALWAYS HAS BEEN, or when you find that botflies have been living under your skin for weeks. But then I thought how horrifying it is to almost get hit by a semi truck. Then I imagined the semi truck is a giant landshark hell-bent on making me its breakfast burrito, with teeth EVERYWHERE.
Like if this had legs and a brain bigger than a tangerine. PURE. TERROR.
Though science has gifted me with incredible excitement for the idea of living dinosaurs, it has cursed me with the knowledge that Jurassic Park would never happen. The BS in the film is pretty decent, but that is all it is. Sadly, we can't use blood from an amber-encased mosquito to clone perfect dinosaurs, even using frog DNA to fill in the incredible gaps there would be. Speaking of which, how would none of the super geneticists realize that making all of the dinosaurs female is a pretty dumb way to control breeding? SURELY a REAL scientist (aka not Michael Crichton) would have learned about the many species of creatures from totally different families and phyla (phylogenies? WHAT IS THE PLURAL) who had independently evolved the ability to switch genders when needed. Sometimes they don't even have to switch genders, they just asexually reproduce. Oh well, I suppose that's a detail you're okay in missing when you're GENETICALLY ENGINEERING FUCKING DINOSAURS.
Though genetic engineering and Jeff Goldblum do not always mix well
The whole message of the movie was kind of dumb, though. I know it was all like "NATURE IS AWESOME, EVOLUTION KNOWS WHAT THE FUCK IT'S DOING", but none of that matters when dinosaurs are involved. The paleontologists were all "what have you done", acting like creating dinosaurs was not THE single most amazing thing science will ever do. Then Hammond changed his mind, saying "Oh shit, you guys. You were right, this was all a huge mistake, sorry for creating dinosaurs." In reality, everyone involved would have been like "HOLY SHIT FUCKING DINOSAURS BEST THING EVER. If people die, it is for the greater good." Seriously. Dinosaurs. Best thing ever. Unless you bring Mosasaurs back. That is taking it too far.
Imagine a whale crossed with a crocodile, equipped with a bloodlust that can never be satiated. It would almost certainly be the end of all mankind.
I just realized this looks exactly like a Cracked article, only 100 times less interesting. Sorry about that. Comic in two days! IT WILL BE CUTE

In the meantime, I'm gonna watch the Dead Zone until Christopher Walken stops being awesome. Oh, wait... that will never happen. HE'S AWESOME, BY THE WAY

1 comment:

  1. SPOILER ALERT
    THE HORDE OF ZOMBIES WAS ME

    ...with a megaphone.
    >_>
    <_<

    ReplyDelete

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